I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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