every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
