grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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