Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
