She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
