I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
