the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
