i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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