got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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