I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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