hell yes lets make some ravioli
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
it glows. i had to have it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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