he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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