I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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