Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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