Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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