got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
