I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize