$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
