im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
