There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
