Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
