he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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