did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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