well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
