The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
