Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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