is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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