we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
