dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
