So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
