see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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