Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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