He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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