Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize