Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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