omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have tasted many bathrooms
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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