I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
