Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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