Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
