got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
