I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
