sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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