She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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