Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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