I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So here I am, sexting at work.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
