she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
