Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
