At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
