break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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