Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
