Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize