Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
