lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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