All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
