apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize