If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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