your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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