If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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