Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
