Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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