Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
